How to deal with bereavement is a topic put off until they are neck deep in that situation. So, we are addressing the after-death responsibilities.
Painful, heartbreaking events
I had given thought to the after-death aspect by preparing a trust and will; however, I had not given much thought to much beyond that. I did come face-to-face with it in August when both my sister and her daughter, my niece, died two weeks to the day and hour of each other. My daughter and her cousin were very close; they visited each other several times a week, traveled together, and went to special events together. She was devastated when her cousin passed so unexpectedly.
What made this situation even more difficult for her was that the other members of her cousin’s family laid all the after-death responsibilities at my daughter’s feet. And I do mean all. The two cousins had been planning the Celebration of Life service for their mother/aunt the day my niece passed, an hour after the two girls said goodbye for the day. Now, the family wanted my daughter to plan both services as well as clean out the two houses of the personal belongings of both the mother and daughter.
How to Deal with Bereavement and After-Life Responsibilities!
Before anyone had a chance to deal with their own Bereavement, afterlife responsibility decisions had to be made. What is to be what to keep, what is to be given to charity, and what is disposable? Legal documents had to be found for both deceased persons. This was made more difficult because the children of my niece were not ready to answer questions about those decisions. Other family members came in and started rooting through her belongings and bickering over just about EVERYTHING!
I tell you all of this so you will understand the importance of what I have to say next. Even though death is the most difficult and most avoided conversation on the planet, it is also the most important conversation you can have with loved ones. Helping them understand how to deal with bereavement and the afterlife responsibilities is one of the greatest gifts you can give.
A second alternative is if you cannot have this conversation with the loved ones and other family members, at least have it with yourself. Realize that you are not getting out of this life ALIVE! And make the necessary plans in the present! Consider this: it is called the present because today is a gift. So, we are making these plans before it is too late.
Make Plans!
That’s right! Make Plans! And I mean very detailed plans. The book pictured on the left is one of the most detailed, helpful books out there. It will help you prepare all the pertinent information in one place for those left behind. And help ease some of their bereavement and after-death responsibilities. When I saw the title, I’m Dead. Now What? I laughed and laughed.
You can find I’m Dead. Now What? on Walmart.com, and I suggest you get the large, hardback version. (About $15 bucks the last I looked.) It is much more detailed with lots of room to write down all the things you must, and I do mean must, take into consideration before you die.
You also need to get a good Trust & Will planner. Again, my favorite one is by Suzi Orman. I learned about it on PBS. All the documents included in her packet were produced or at least approved by her lawyer. And her program lets you go in and change things if and when you want to do so. Just take the document to your bank and have it notarized for legal reasons.
Some detailed information that helps with how to deal with Bereavement and ease after-death Responsibilities.
While you are setting up and filling out both items, you can begin to think about exactly what afterlife service you would like to have. Plan out every detail to lessen the burden and ease the pain of dealing with Bereavement and after-death responsibilities.
- Burial or cremation.
- In church or not.
- If not, where do you want the service held?
- Is the service to be a Celebration of Life
- Or a traditional Church service.
- Food or no food.
- If food is offered, what type?
- Do you want the attendees to bring a dish or not?
- Or will the family provide the food?
- Flowers or donations to your charity of choice.
- Make music selections
- Types of Beverages.
- Decorations ot none
- Celebration of Life video and who constructs it.
More details to consider:
Then there are all the items you have collected throughout your adult working life. Who will get what? Make changes depending on marital and family status. List who gets what in detail. Having done this will eliminate or at least reduce the bickering. It is not easy to make these decisions when you are the person dealing with bereavement.
- This also needs to be a legal document in your will and trust information.
- The house and all properties.
- The vehicle(s).
- Bank accounts.
- List items of furniture and given to whom
- Appliances, i.e., computer/laptop.
- Household items, i.e., dishes, flatware, lamps, etc…
- Clothing: how and where distributed.
- Jewelry: list each item and who receives each piece.
- Collectibles, knick-knacks, paintings, pictures, books.
- Add more as they come to mind.
Just ask Yourself;
While you are planning who you want to have these items, you can also take this time to start downsizing the mountains of memorabilia you have collected over most of your life. Ask yourself, “Do I really need the baseball I hit for my first home run in the 6th grade? Or all those certificates for a job well done? Can I toss the greeting cards and first corsages from my first prom?
How many tax papers have you kept just in case? If they are over 7 years old, shred them along with any other papers with sensitivite information. This goes for the file drawers and file boxes in the garage full of papers saved. When a family member is trying to deal with bereavement is not the time to wade through all that stuff.
Remember, if you do not start eliminating unnecessary items now, one of your family members will be painfully dealing with them when you are gone. And I do mean painfully. It was heart-wrenching for my daughter to have to go through each item in my sister’s house and a few rooms in her cousins’ house. There is no way of knowing what trinket, slip of paper, or article of clothing is going to trigger a flood of painful emotions, reminding them you are no longer with them.
Let Them Tell You;
You can also ask your offspring if they want their baby teeth, baby shoes, handprint in clay, report cards, baby books, your grandmother’s aunt’s cousin forget-me-nots, or the myriad of trinkets they made throughout their childhood. This includes other items you think they might want as keepsakes. Ask them now. If you can part with the item at the asking price, give it to them right then. One less item to move out later. You might want to set out items on the dining room table you inherited from your parents and/or grandparents’ passing, and let the family members select what they want (with the proviso of no arguing over items) and take them away with them right then.
Having to Deal with Bereavement and After-death Responsibilities at the same time is heart-wrenchingly painful
These are just a few suggestions for How to Deal with Bereavement and After-death Responsibilities. You need to attend to them as soon as you possibly can. If you wonder if this is an absolute attention necessity on your part, think back to when elder family members of yours passed and how difficult this post-life process was for those left behind.
Thinking about this and doing this now may be very difficult for you, but think about how horrific it will be for the loved ones mourning your passing and having to deal with these details while shedding heartbroken tears. After you start this procedure, you will think of other things you need to tackle while you still have time to do so. Do not wait until there is a pressing health situation. That is not the right time or mindset to begin to deal with your immorality.
Another Informative Bit on How to Deal with Bereavement and After-death Responsibilities;
Love your family members enough to take some of this painful burden off their shoulders while you are still with them. I assure you that once you insist that the conversation begins, the less difficult and painful it will become.
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